My insecurities. My truth. My story.
We want all the wrong things in our lives when times get tough…we never want to…wait. Because, what do you do…when the waiting gets tough? Well, when the waiting gets tough…you keep waiting.
It’s been eight months and four days since the last time I had sex. I remember I entered the world of sex, bustling with lust, running from my problems, and avoiding “the good guy.” And let me just say this...Ladies, the good guy is the guy that isn’t perfect, but is perfect for YOU. He’s the guy that listens to you, asks about your dreams, supports you, and comes back to you…when YOU make mistakes. He’s the one…you marry. You marry the good guy, not run from him (trust me). But life…isn’t that simple, is it? And my life will never be that simple. And sex? Despite what people or our culture may try to tell us…sex isn’t simple, either.
And that’s why I decided to wait. Because sex….is important. But, it never did anything for me but cloud my perception of reality. It offered me an escape when I didn’t want to face ME, guilt when I knew I wasn’t the only one but just wanted someone to love me…a trap when I kept feeling my hormones rushing…and ultimately? A betrayal against my own body. Sex felt good. Sex FEELS good…but sex also locked me up…and threw away the key.
I traced all of my patterns…and all of my broken relationships. And I realized…it was always sex that had a hold on me. Lust. Cravings. It was never really the “relationship” that I desired. It was the “body”. It was the fact that someone could desire me. Devour me. It was…desperation. And some way, somehow… I mistook my own desires and longings-as love. Yet, I wasn’t getting any returned to me. And that’s when the words of a friend hit me…No matter how much I wanted to preach, post, or aspire to be amazing…I didn’t love ME. Or else I wouldn’t have gave away myself so “freely”…or as he put it, I wouldn’t have expected a relationship when I was already doing “wife” things. What’s the saying? My grandma always said it to me-Why buy the cow…when you can get the milk for free? Yep, that was me.
And now? I’m waiting. And I can’t say how long. In a picture perfect world and these “The Wait” books and the Bible…I “should” say I’m choosing celibacy. And maybe that’s what waiting will be for me. But, I don’t know. I appreciated sex for the intimacy and connection it brings when it’s with someone you love (or "think" you love)…do I necessarily “have” to have a ring? We’ll see. But, for now…I’m waiting…and here I am, hitting a wall…struggling.
If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I dumped the word “alone” out of my vocabulary. Currently, I don’t feel…lonely. I don’t feel…alone. As a human..and as a woman, I just want intimacy. And maybe…that’s not sex at all. Maybe it’s just a friend that’ll laugh at me while I fall asleep snoring…or wakes me up because I stopped breathing (yes that has happened before). Or maybe it’s just to have my girls close again to watch movies with me. Whatever the case may be…I’m waiting. And what do you do when the waiting gets tough?
Well, you keep waiting.
Urges come and go…Feelings come and go…Relationships come and go…just like sex. But, to have someone who values you…loves you…supports you…and wants you for YOU…that never fades. That’s forever. That’s precious. And it’s worth waiting for.
What have I done when the waiting got tough?
In all seriousness, I manifest not the partner I want “physically” (although tall, dark, and handsome sounds good, too). I reflect on the partner I NEED…mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…and I let him know through whatever this telepathic connection or grapevine that I already think we have….that I’m waiting. And it’s not only for him. But, it’s also for me. And I’m not waiting for the fairytale ending..that I believed so much before-that a man was coming to save me…that a man was the only thing that was missing. I’m waiting…to defy all odds on my own, to reach all of my wildest dreams, to heal, to love others, myself, and this world so much…that when we meet, it’s the dream team over here baby. Our worlds will collide when we’re both ready (or willing to get ready)…and it’ll collide with so much purpose, power, and impact…and we’re partnering to change the world, not just our home, our families, or our communities.
So, when the waiting gets tough…I do get frustrated…until I realize…me waiting is only temporary. And me waiting? It’s bigger than just me. No one deserves access to the road map that is my own destiny. Waiting is not for everybody. And waiting for marriage isn’t either. But, if you’re waiting…and let’s be clear…we’re always waiting for something- sex, a job, a miracle, healing, money, a new home, grades, or a new baby…figure out what you should be doing. Because faith without work…is dead. And whatever result you want…it won’t come magically. You have to wait…actively.
For me…I’m constantly, processing my “feelings”, because I’ve finally realized…real damage is done when those are pushed to the side. I’m also constantly working…trying to find the next step, the next move, the next piece to my dream. I’m learning…dissecting my mistakes, understanding what I need in my relationships, and practicing self-care. And lastly, I’m trying to take heed of my friends and family. I figure how else can I learn to love and function in a healthy relationship other than making sure I’m the best I can be with the people already around me. That means-honesty, setting boundaries, communicating, saying “NO”, and putting out…what I want given to me. And that is my…waiting.
And if my future partner is reading this right now…I’m rooting for you…So, don’t give up…and don’t rush to me. Take your time…because you already got me.
P.S.: Have you read "The Wait" by Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin? Check out the book here. Check out the devotional book here.