I told myself I was going to write this post for weeks now. But, here I am. And I don’t want you to read this and think, “Adia has it all together” or “She’s so inspiring” …and all the other stuff I get from readers. Most importantly, this is not a guidebook. And I am not your therapist. This is in no way, shape, or form…a map to guide you from point A to point B through your healing. This is none of that. This is, however, evidence…that perspective means…EVERYTHING. How YOU see your life..how you SPEAK can either build you up…or be your downfall. So, let’s get to it.
Abandonment issues. Can anyone tell me what that means? The fear often stems from childhood…maybe from a traumatic event, maybe from not getting enough emotional care. But, for whatever reason…abandonment can arise in relationships, causing unwarranted anxiety…and more fear. This….was me. And it was more than just me. I mean, I sat on my counselor’s couch earlier this year…and it hit me as I was pouring my heart out, that my intimate relationships only grew from “abandonment” seeds. I was talking about how my mother left, how my father never wanted me, how my best friend just ghosted me…and there I was in a relationship…staying in a bad relationship…because I didn’t want him to “leave” me. I started my life in Atlanta, and it seemed as though…I had no one. In my eyes, that was my reality. My girls were miles away, my family could only do but so much, and I…was alone. That is what I called it-"alone". I didn’t use the word single…ever. I used the word “alone”…all.the.time. Then, my counselor challenged me. I’ll never forget that day…before I poured it all out…that’s when he asked-“Do you recognize how often you say the world ‘alone’? I looked at him dumbfounded. I’m sitting asking about how to either leave my relationship or make it work..and there he was asking about my vocabulary. He asked me again, “Do you recognize how often you say the word ‘alone’? You don’t use the word single. You say you’re alone. Why?”. That’s when it happened. I had to shift everything about what I thought about singleness and turn into something else.
So, that was it. It wasn’t the “best” way to handle ending a relationship. But, I fell off the grid. No break-up via phone call. No break-up via text. No, “I need space”. No, “It’s me, not you” (even though it should’ve been “It’s you, not me”). No…”I need to do this for me.” No…anything. I left. I boarded my plane to Africa, thinking about how low I allowed myself to stoop…about the mistakes I had made. I boarded my plane, crying. But, nonetheless, I boarded my plane knowing I wasn’t returning as the same woman that left. And that meant everything.
I spent my whole summer….reflecting. I reflected on the definition of single and what that means FOR ME. I reflected on my reasoning for getting into my previous relationship…and the one before that…and the one before that…and the one before that. I reflected on why I never spent adequate time just being single…and enjoying it….and living. I thought about each and every wrong turn I have made over these years…at the expense of simply being “with” somebody. If it wasn’t the crappy relationship to begin with, it was breaking the one guy’s heart who actually wanted to marry me…It was running from him and not wanting to be alone to compartmentalize what I’d done to him and just jumping right into it with another body…then it was saying “I’m not looking for a relationship” and leaving that “situationship”…and jumping right.into.another.one. It was always me…running.
Through all this reflecting, I became more comfortable with saying “single”. And that’s when my skies opened up. I recognized my own strength, my own voice, my own capabilities, my own…freedom. I recognized…well recognize..that in all these “relationships”, I was ALWAYS better off single. I was ALWAYS the best version of myself, single. I was always fine…with just me.
I became free…and I began doing everything. But, this time around. I’m doing things…and smiling, doing things and laughing at my damn self…doing things….completely happy. I’ve done more, HAPPILY, in the matter of just of couple of months than I managed to do in the past year after placing myself with the wrong person.
Now, I’m human. So, now’s a good time to confess to my humanity. I said this isn’t a road map for your therapy. But, I’d be doing you and myself an injustice if I don’t admit that…I still reminisce. I still miss “moments”. I still miss being “held” and/or “longed for”. These moments of “reminiscing” come in waves. Once again, we’re human. And healing? Well, it doesn’t happen overnight. But, you keep trying. Don’t numb the pain. When I find myself reminiscing, I allow the pain back in. I let it creep in…how I used to feel…how my previous relationships made me feel…and I remind myself…I will always be worth more than that.
Single. I am single. I was never alone. I am not alone. And you aren’t either. Shift your perspective. I challenge you to shift your perspective today…and you remember you are justified in HOWEVER you feel at this moment. FEELING…is important. But, remember, those “feelings” are only temporary. You are a ball of wonderful, magical, marvelous, and incredible power. The moment you make the decision to own that…no one will take that away from you. Your singleness is not a time of…isolation…or depression. Your singleness is a time to celebrate, girl…your strength…your femininity, you SEXY-NESS…your power. Your singleness is your time to do everything YOU want to do…and how YOU want to do it. Have fun…read books…go to the movies….laugh after falling…cry while watching TV…and fall in love with all of your little quirks…or the odd mole on your thigh. These are all of the things…that my singleness in this short time so far has afforded me. And as I pray…to learn about myself…As I pray for my future “partner” (emphasis on partner. I said “partner”, not spouse, or boyfriend), my singleness becomes more and more purposeful…and exciting.
I wake up each day, proud to be..independent. Proud to have my own money…and not having to rely on anyone to “take care of me”. Proud to be free. Proud to recognize…that I’m not ready or mature enough...or have healed enough... to be with anyone else…Proud to recognize... that I deserve someone that WANTS to be with me. Proud to be…me. And I still wake up some days…I look in the mirror..and some times, it’s still a struggle to see “me” for ME. But…it only takes a SHIFT to know…I am perfect…as the IMPERFECT me.
You are perfect…as the IMPERFECT you. SHIFT today.