My insecurities. My truth. My story.
“CROOKED STICKS DRAW STRAIGHT LINES, JUST LOOK AT ME” – LECRAE
Me: Mama called me last week to tell me I was amazing. But how can something so amazing feel so shattered….feel so battered….feel like life is nothing but this detrimental hazard? I wonder if anybody knows I cry, too? Because outside everyone smiles, but sometimes the happiest people inside are so….blue. Yeah. I cry, too. It’s like I put a pencil to blank pages just to crush the lead over and over again. Sometimes, it’s like I’m just running in circles AND running in sin. Sometimes I wake up like when will I ever win? I’m nowhere near above this ocean we all drown in. Holla if ya hear me when I say…I cry too. Somewhere along the way I took three thousand steps back and became a victim to my own silence. Committing life’s ultimate violence, I became a woman locked within her own confinement. So, baby girl trust me when I say, I cry, too. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I hate what I see. Just a crooked smile on top of curved lines is all I see. But sometimes the voices in my head, they get to me…trying to rationalize my wrongs while defending my rights…and constantly doubting what my eyes and even heart sees. Just look at me. I cry, too. Sometimes, I lay awake at night in a pile of confusion. That’s when the devil comes to interrupt my thoughts…protrude my happiness…and defeat my contentment. My heart beats fast often with anxiety because next to insecurity…I struggle with trying to be the “perfect me.” Trying to have a good soul. Trying to right my wrongs. Trying to always….be in control. I wish I had a crystal ball, too. Because I never knew this part of life could be so unpredictable. When did trying to make something of yourself get to be anything other than sensible? If you feel this way too, then you understand that I cry too. And sometimes I just need someone to be there. Someone to get me out of the pits of silence. Because I’ve been there before, and I know the storm “alone time” can hold. Silence sent me through a hurricane just to mold…me. Brokenly put together, that’s me too. Don’t believe my happy pics. Because after a few likes, sometimes I still just look at them and instantly become jealous of the smile that APPEARS to be so filled with jubilee. Listen, this poem isn’t to say I’m not happy. But it is to say…don’t be so quick to judge what you cannot see. Because yes, I’m livin’…yes, I’m in school….yes, I had someone ready to say “I do”…but still, I cry too. Sometimes being so much light can only leave your soul in the darkness. Sometimes being so much love can leave you divided. Divided between the people you give it so freely to and giving it to you. And don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love y’all…I’ll always be ready to wipe the corners of your eyes. But when you come to me, I need to be able to come to you, too.
God & The Universe: Adia, Since when did it ever become so right for you to be so selfish? Of course we know you cry, too. We didn’t mold you to be perfect. We didn’t mold you to be silent. We didn’t mold you with neglect. We gave you all the right tools in all the right places. We gave you enough love to give to all faces. So, why fret? Why act as if the world doesn’t care about you? Baby girl, you think you’re the only one that thinks someone doesn’t know they cry, too? What about the wife who has to hold it all together going to her abusive home? What about the man who just went homeless with no job loaded with student loans? You aren’t the only one…who “cries too.” This world was just not meant to be hard…for you. I get it. You never imagined a chapter could be so trying….as if it’s constantly knocking you down. But what’s the point of giving you victory if you don’t EARN your crown. That’s what’s wrong with you and everybody else…expecting life to be so easy. Expecting to be in control. I have more planned for you then what’ll you ever write down as your end goal. It’s funny that you still think you’re silver, when I’ve crafted you to be 18Karat Gold. I need you to stand because there’s someone out there looking up to you. Your skies may SEEM blue, but this life is more than just YOU. This life is more than just the guy you’re worrying about trusting or the ex’s heart you broke. This life is more than just the reckless nights filled with cheap liquor and smoke. Can’t you see? I know you cry, too. And so does everyone else. That’s what makes you, YOU. You wear your heart on your sleeve in a world that says it’s wrong to do. You don’t care about being tough…and sometimes you do, but you always remain true to YOU. And that’s truer than true. Don’t you remember even Dr. Seuss said there’s no one alive that’s YOU’er than YOU? So cry on queen. Because just like you, THEY cry too. You have lives to touch, tears to wipe, and THATS what I’ve placed you here to do. So when life gets a little hard…when you can’t sleep because of anxiety, just think of the people who need you….and think of me. When that bra strap is barely hooking and those jeans get a little too tight, it’s okay to look at old pictures and reflect on how good you looked that one night. It’s okay to get knocked down one day and rise tomorrow. But stop beating yourself up…stop coming home as if this life was meant for sorrow. Not when there’s a mother who almost got rid of you, and a family who needs you there…Not when a circle of friends constantly make you laugh and boost your new hair. Especially not when Love is in the air and you’re still trying to run away from it. We meant for you to give and give and give…but it also okay to receive it. And it’s hard for you…because you’re still struggling with how to love yourself…You’re still struggling to love us. And that’s okay. You’ll get the hang of it one day. But stop trying to save the world all at once. It’s okay to NOT BE OKAY. But believe me when I say, your problems are so, so minute. They do not compete with what’s to come. You’ve barely seen a struggle. So keep shining bright. Keep having hope. Keep being humble. And to the boy that didn’t come home last night…to the mother who’s struggling to make ends meet. We need you to go and find them. We need you to be a lamp upon their feet. We need you to love yourself AND love this world, too. We made you to glow….and sparkle….not be blue. We made you to share your tears….so the world can know you cry, too. We made you so fearlessly, so wonderfully….we made you, YOU. Go….and be you.
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