Written on June 6, 2020 at 7:26am
It's nice to finally address you. To lean in. To acknowledge...I see you. As you grip at my chest, there's no ignoring you anymore. As you throb against the walls of my ribs, why do you worry? Why are you scared? Why are you panicking?
I think we get along better than we did years ago. Lying awake with you, I wanted your voices to leave me. Trying to cope with the sleep that did not find me, I hated you. I dreaded you. I walked and smiled...but secretly held my shame. Because I felt alone. I was guilty. I carried you with me. I was mad....Running from a past I didn't want to catch me. Anxiety, why are you always running?
I remember you'd always tell me to leave- preventing me from loving...preventing me from living. Your twisted fantasies played through my head. Your lies spun their web. You always made me doubt me. What if they see me? What if they don't love me? What if they find out I'm an Impostor?...I was lying? What if they...leave me?
Get out, Adia. Run. It's not safe.
You're always scared. You always have been. That's why you've hid behind the walls of achievement. You've always been afraid to come out...to fall...to love...to speak. Because you don't know what happens next. You don't have control. That's what you want, isn't it?
Control? To take over my sympathetic nervous system...to make me robotic. You want me to shrink. You want me to fold into this box under my bed...so I'm not seen. So I'm not heard. So I'm not...worthy. And I've been neglecting you....not seeing you for who you are...failing to understand why you feel this way. Staying busy and cancelling our dates, because I didn't want to face you. Because I never knew...and still don't know if these are even the right words to say.
But I'm here. And I'm choosing to love you, despite the times you hurt me. I'm choosing to forgive you. Because I know you're growing. You always will be...festering...in my heart beat...in my finger tips as they're shaking. But I see you now. And I hope it feels good to be seen. Because fear has no place with us, girl. Because I love you. And there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. So, here we are. Stop punishing yourself. Stop holding your breath.
Stop acting like we can't coexist-my light and your darkness. We can....just like the Sun and the Moon. We each come out at different times. Sometimes, you stay too long though...forgetting it's time for the sun to shine. Forgetting the weeping is only suppose to endure the night...and that joy comes in the morning. And that's okay. I'm trying to understand if maybe you just want some extra attention. Maybe I should write more....
I'm sorry I didn't write before. I just didn't know what you wanted from me. I didn't know how to love you...how to be with you. And I'm sorry for not introducing you to my friends and family. They know you now, and they know me and you are meant to be. I deserve an apology from you, too, ya know. For you...misusing me...misguiding me. We can't function like that. It's not healthy. So, my therapist gave me a list of questions for us to use now....for us to work through when you want your time with me. And I think it's worth a try.
I'm willing to try with you....if you're willing to try wth me. Because I love you.
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." - The Buddha
Looking for how I deal with my anxiety, check out my post: My Depression, PMS, COVID-19, and How I've Been Coping. If you suffer from anxiety, it is important to remember...you are NOT alone, AT ALL. And you shouldn't feel afraid, ashamed, or afraid to talk to someone. In fact, it takes strength. Check out Psychology Today to find a therapist near you.