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6/11/2020 0 Comments FEAR: An Open Letter to my Anxiety"In order for connection to happen...we have to allow ourselves to be seen." - Brené Brown 4/5/2020 0 Comments It's OKIt's OK to be stuck
between a rock and a mountain that won't move OK to stay there and push, push, push It's OK to be in love desperate to be poured into what you give back OK to wonder why you love so hard yet leave when it's reciprocated It's OK to crawl or walk in the valley of the shadow of death and think about surrendering OK to wonder if light will cast and run when it dies It's OK to smile and laugh until you cry without thinking one day it'll end OK to enjoy your heart beat and beat, beat, beat It's OK to transition into a new chapter, into a new season and be afraid of what is to come OK to grasp the familiar in hopes to defy obscurity It's OK to be vulnerable accepting shame of past mistakes and acknowledging hurt you buried OK to bleed and heal until it's punctured again It's OK to look back to what could've been and wonder what is reality OK to wish for more and keep dreaming, dreaming, dreaming It's OK to soothe the voices in your head to keep from going crazy and with your words, OK to tell them to stop fighting you and instead trust you It's OK to not be okay yet still all the while beautiful and hurting while you're recovering OK to not be okay and telling the story of your suffering Will you trust the world with your bruises, my love? Accept what can't be undone Be OK with the okay of forgiveness Say OK to the uncertainty of the future Release okay to the destruction of your past Because it's OK. 2/19/2020 0 Comments ARE YOU READY?"They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat....For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." - Revelation 7:16-17 (The Holy Bible, KJV)
1/10/2020 0 Comments Self-Medicate.1 oz shots of vodka make me numb
to desires unfulfilled and a house that's not a home self-medicate to escape self-medicate to meditate self-medicate to ease self-medicate to sleep 8 oz. glasses of wine make me tingle when I want my toes curled but no lips to press against mine going against the grain of time the box of safety the lust that takes me the voices that shame me I self-medicate. self-medicate to escape self-medicate to meditate self-medicate to ease self-medicate to sleep 1 hr. sessions of therapy with tears on a love seat picking up pieces I thought I plastered together digging skeletons I thought I buried but they weren't dead I guess I should've did a better job killin' those muthafuckas so, I self-medicate. dates when I know he won't call back so it's good he won't see me, my possessive and my ugly He won't have to love me. He'll self-medicate. self-medicate to mend the heart I broke self-medicate to ease the wrath I bring self-medicate to understand how we ended here self-medicate to miss me pens to paper make me free writing away my sins giving up my secrets to float away because they never belonged to me. So, I self-medicate. 1/6/2020 0 Comments SHRINK.I’m hearing voices in my head, think I’m schizophrenic. Isn’t that what Jeezy said? Except these voices tell me to shrink. In recliner seats where my hips don’t fit, but my waist lays back perfectly...fine. Shrink. In the back of couches to stay for some time...to wine and dine...to accept fire and desire with no strings of attachment...or love. Shrink.
I feel at home in the comfort of the walls I call sacred, face mask on, popcorn buttered, and a drink to put me to sleep. To put my mind at ease. To escape a world that tells me...to shrink. In the gym that I go to every day to “work on me”. Where men wink at me, call me “baby”, and I ignore them with the strongest face I know...because if they saw my big heart, it’d have to...shrink. To neglect its own love that won’t be returned. To stop...bleeding. Sometimes I’m massive. I feel inflated when laughter escapes my lungs. When eyes gaze into my soul until I’m forced to look at me...and really look at my crooked smile, the way my eye twitches when I eat, my obsessive possession, my addictive want...to be needed. I wouldn’t have to shrink if the world was...just a little deeper. If people didn’t want meaningless pieces of me. If it didn’t seem I was everything...to everybody. Shrink. Box me in....and then cringe when I don’t fit. In your perfect picture. As a lady. As yours. As wild. As holy. You thought I was yours...to shrink. But you didn’t have enough paint to fill the canvas. The edges still white...because you realized you couldn’t finish coloring me. The ends a mix of pointed and smooth...yet the picture incomplete. I want to give...what everyone wants...every version....every draft....every copy. Maybe for a pat on the back...maybe for a few more likes on IG....maybe for my dream wedding ring. I tried to box me in....but I cannot shrink. 10/20/2019 0 Comments ITSTILLHURTS.We were toxic from the start. Never thought you’d break my heart...in three. One for my truth...one for your lies...one for my happily ever after dreams. There I was on the interstate...with a full wine bottle. Pressed throttle on the gas, tears rolling down my cheeks, I was just hoping to mean more to you than the love that existed between our sheets. I guess we’ll never know. Did you love me? Did I love you? I cursed everyone who tried to pull me away from you...who tried to tell me I deserved better. Because deep down I knew your deceit, but having some of you was better than none of you. Like having a toothache is better than missing teeth. I didn’t want to miss you. In fact, I fantasized about this idea of you. You were so beautiful. And the dreams I had in my head were plentiful. I just wanted to be your muse.
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