My insecurities. My truth. My story.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Here I am. A while ago…I said I was broken, shattered, and…I just wanted to be “free”. Truth is, I hate feeling trapped. I hate the feeling of…committing. So, when I’m just being me…and men jump to talk of a wedding ring…I always flee. But, my imperfect heart, my anxious soul, my longing to be free…is perfect for God’s timing. Caught between wanting to be Christ’s perfect "Ruth" and living my life how I want it to be…my imperfections are a blessing when I think of what God must have for me. A heart so filled with lust, fear, and anxiety…it’s amazing God still loves me. A sarcophagus filled with love for the world…yet so many struggles to give that love to me. Then, it dawned on me. Well, hell, if God loves me…I should love me…and my whole imperfect heart. It’s not about the clothes I wear, the lipstick on my lips, or when my next relationship will start. Truth is, you’re already perfect…even with your imperfect heart. Filled with greed…we want it all- money, fame, success. And we want it all without any ambiguity. Sometimes, it’s like a race…trying to move so fast just so everyone else can see. Don’t worry about who sees….don’t worry who roots for you. God’s timing is always better than ours and it always holds true. What will you LET God do for you? Is it that “C” you’re praying for to pass that class? Praying so hard when you know “faith without work is dead” …and the only work you put in was sittin’ on your ass…or perhaps throwin’ it back…like those shots you took the other night. I guess now you wonder how could God ever bless something so crooked…something so flawed but growing with all their might? Well, I’ll tell you how…just to remind myself again and again…God may convict, but God does not “pay back” any sin. With grace sufficient, God is far beyond a work of art. Perfect form, perfect color, perfect lining. Our imperfect hearts yield perfect for God’s timing. I sit in my bed knowing mama was calling because she knew I was everywhere but where I was supposed to be. I sit too, knowing my imperfections is far from the “woman of God” everyone sees. Don’t get me wrong. I love God. But, I still love the world, too…and I still suffer from conforming. While the woman you may see smiles, sometimes at 2 am …this woman is mourning. So, I’m here to confidently tell you to LOOK AT ME. This is a WOMAN you see. Woman enough to praise. Woman enough to be free. Perfectly imperfect, that’s me. And you’ll see…when you see me at the parties and my girls turning up with me…When you see me at church and I’m at the altar crying…When you see me smiling at the next man I let in my heart and in my bed…and I’ll tell you “I’m just being free.” Remember, freedom comes with a price. And sometimes…that price is ME. Someone asked me…”Would you stand next to a conflagration?” I stopped to think. In reality, I would…because standing next to fire is what I do…that’s me. And I know, that sounds crazy. Which is why I thank God over and over again..for saving me. Because God provides the oceans but it’s ME who always chooses to go deep. God provides my freedom…it’s ME who always loses ME. God provides the love..it’s ME who chooses to give, in efforts for the very people I swim for…to drown and love ME. These are just thoughts from an imperfect ME….with an imperfect heart…that doesn’t feel the need to be guilty. After all, God knew the sins we’d commit before we opened our eyes to see. So, look, I don’t know what your struggle is. Maybe it’s lust. Maybe it’s addiction. Maybe it’s insecurity, depression, or anxiety. But, God’s timing is and will be perfect for you…because it’s perfect for me. I sin, you sin, he sin, she sins, too. I’m not excusing our flaws, but we can’t think God isn’t real or true. Because the devil…that bad boy will whip out The Book of Eli of all your past, present, and future mistakes…and make you feel like you’re going to hell…make you feel like you can’t walk anymore because you lack purity…but God never said living on this Earth, living as one unit…would be easy. So, sweetie, take it easy. I know you left “Netflix & Chill” thinking “I told myself I’d never do this again”. Been there, done that, still doing it…You lose and you win. I see you my brother. You just lied to your girl and told her your friend “was just a friend.”
Mistakes. Lies. Deceit. We’re human, and it’s all a part of our imperfect hearts. But, tomorrow can be different if YOU create a new start. And God? God forgives our sin, but don’t use that as an excuse to do it over and over again. BUT, that doesn’t mean you’re perfect and when it happens again…you shouldn’t worry. I think we should just make a pact right now…to get our shit together, love each other, help each other, and be free. You don’t have to listen to me…but these are just words from someone trying to grip with being ratchet, righteous, and free. Who am I?
Oh, I’m just a queen fighting my own demons-physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. But, hey…don’t listen to me. Lay down and listen to your heart beat. You hear that? It’s beating. That means there’s a perfect purpose that is happening. With an imperfect heart, lies God’s soul. God already knows the struggles in your reality. So thrive….thrive in a world that needs you….thrive when it hurts…thrive when it feels like God’s not listening. Thrive when you’re guilty….thrive when you don’t even feel like you. Because we can always fake it til we make it, but God will ALWAYS be true. Keep up your pursuit and no matter your stronghold….approach each day as a new start. Dreams only work when you do…and God’s timing ALWAYS works for an imperfect heart.