My insecurities. My truth. My story.
“WE FIND LOVE. WE GET UP. WE FALL DOWN. WE GIVE UP.”
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Lost in my anxious thoughts, I continuously contemplate if you’re man of my dreams. People say love is never “what it seems”….But, I know how I felt when I told you “I need space” and leaving my car…I literally couldn’t breathe. Trapped in my own breath and coughing for the stuffy air around me…I realized could it be? That this person is the other half of me?
We find love. We get up. We fall down. We give up. That’s always been me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…it’s been the only piece of me. But, I never knew that to leave would also be abandoning a piece of me. I never knew this time…to leave would be losing the only sight I’d see. I never knew this time…to leave would hurt me. Because I am you. And you are me. We find love. I found you. Promise me, if it’s really “me”….if I am you and you are me. You find me.
Lost in sleepless nights, I contemplate if I want you to fight for me…fight for my anxious insecurities…fight for the need to be with me. I think of you. You think of me. I think of if I really loved you. Do you really love me?
We find love in the knock I rested upon your door, never knowing it’d lead to the entrance to your heart. We find love in the way you make me smile through my tears and endless wave of memories. We find love in kisses in traffic and you trying to offer me security. We find love in me looking at you and you seeing right through me. We find love in the midst of my dreams. Even when I’m not facing reality, you’re the only one I see. We find love at the water fall I love to visit in my day sleep. I usually visit all the time…just me. We find love the moment you became the first to see the water fall WITH me…kissing my cheek…rubbing my stomach with OUR baby.
You could ask of my deepest dream and for months, every night its you. About what life could be with you. About what your dreams are gonna make of you. About what passionate love I could have…if I would just LET you. Settling into my own silence, I grip my sheets in an unfamiliar presence. Because to find love in me, I have to choose ME and be happy. Selfishly looking into the dark, I wish I could have both. I wish I could have you…..and I wish I could have me.
We find love in the moments I look in your eyes and see a smile staring back at me. We find love in the midst of a storm, in the midst of rain, in the midst of the color-changing trees. The storm that I never cease to bring, the rain that you seem to bring on me….and the colors. The colors of just seasons..changing. We find love…in the right people…the right soul mates…simply at the wrong timing.
We find love. We get up. We fall down. We give up. Sometimes, it’s not the man who has to “get it together”. Sometimes, just sometimes, maybe the man has to endure the stormy weather. What if we don’t find love? What if I blew it? What if we find love? What if we don’t get up? What if you give up? What if the day comes when I’ll stop missing you and you’ll stop missing me? What if you don’t find me?
I find love. I am you. You are me. In you, I find a piece of both pain and happy. I find you not in the kitchen cooking next to me. I find you in love poems and pictures that will always be a piece of me. I find me.
I found me. I found another chapter that DOESN’T involve my insecurities. I found a fresh start that doesn’t involve putting anyone else, including you, before me.I pray to God to not give up on me….I pray for strength for ME not to give up on ME. I pray…that love finds me. That if God means for it to be…and I pray he hopes for it to be….that if you love me, you’ll find me. You’ll never lose me…so that you can be the BEST you. And I be the BEST me. And that together…we find love in the car rides lost on the interstate…the laughs on ferris wheels…and the worries about what the future has at stake. In my dreams, together we find love in painting our big porch and me constantly laughing in your arms. At night, I think of the silent tears I cried from never telling you how I really felt…and through it all..I STILL find love in what you give to me. I still find love in my hope for what the eyes have not yet seen.
We find love in the playlists that make us fall in love over and over again. We find love soooooooooo many times. That’s why I love you. That’s why you love me.
This world could change…but the way I found you will always be the same. A knock at your door that gave me the key to your heart. I’ll never forget our start. I’ll never escape a home that houses my heart….a diary that houses my deepest secrets….a garden that possesses my flowers….and a roof that protects and keeps me through life’s showers.
We find love as summer friends through summer madness, as lovers on weekend adventures, as friends who everyone sees is “meant to be”, and now as two people trying to…just be. As we try to be whole, we as in me,…while you embrace uncertainty…uncertainty frightens me. What if I “just be”? And I fall out of love with you? Or you fall out of love with me? What if the day comes….and you decide you no longer want to fight for me? What if we don’t find love? What if in the midst of me “choosing me”….what if in the end…it’s only ME?
I find love in still being selfish with what I want for you…I find love in what I want for me. But, if only life were that simple. I can’t predict what “will” be. But, I can say…you gave me the moon…you lit me up as your sun…and I’ll always find love in OUR truth. Our truth? You are me. And I am you. No matter where we go, no matter where or how we end, that will ALWAYS be true.
If we look up and realize, we no longer need to stay…we’ll be fine. Because while we both have to grow up, I know I loved you…and you loved me. If I look up and you decide you no longer need me, I’m confident that I’ll be so in love with me that I’ll be okay with “just me”. If you look up and I decide that I just want to be free…don’t judge me. Just let me be. But….if there’s a chance….if this is just the “paranoid, scared, anxious, ambitious, sensitive, striving for growth” ME, then promise that if you find love…you’ll find me. Promise that if you asked God to show you your own soul and it REALLY is me….that you’ll find love…that you’ll find me. Promise that even when I screw up…if I walk away…if it does take me a while to come back…promise that if God really speaks to you…that you’ll tell God and the universe to speak to me. I promise that as time goes by…if it’s true…that if this is just a storm…I’ll stand the rain…I’ll stand OUR rain…and I’ll choose you.
Promise me above all….with or without me….you’ll be happy. Because if you aren’t happy…there is no “happy” me. Because I am you. And you are me. And just as I need me, I need you…to be free.
We find love.