My insecurities. My truth. My story.
"They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat....For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." - Revelation 7:16-17 (The Holy Bible, KJV)
Are you ready?
That's the question I'm asking myself as I contemplate going back to a place where I used to be....a road I often traveled...that offers safety in a way...but once the safety ends, yields more pain and misery.
The world makes "growth" seem so....easy. Everyone posts quotes, advocates for therapy...but the world doesn't tell about the price you have to pay...to dig deep....the courage you have to have to face your own 'ugly'....the progress that won't happen so....linearly. No one shares....the agony. The defeat. The weather you really have to endure...before the sun starts shining.
Are you ready....to go back? Because right now...the rain comes....and it doesn't seem to stop pouring. The rain representing every wound, every flaw, every...discomfort. And you look all around...but there's no umbrella. And when you do find one...no matter how good it is....one of the arms break...so you always end up a little wet. Eventually, you say 'Fuck It'. So, here you stand....soaking.
Are you ready....to go back to the girl...you used to be? Because she would've allowed anything. She would've accepted broken things, because she was so used... to always doing the fixing. She would've acted without thinking. She would've smiled and hid...everything.
But you can't hide, can you? In fact, you've never felt so bare. Wearing your heart now on an open sleeve, wondering if the people around you sees....it's bleeding. Pumping continuously in an environment you've never been. Bringing your heels to a halt before you sin. Because deep down you know..this time you can't afford to lose. You can't afford....to break in two...again. This time....you choose yourself. And it feels so....different.
Sometimes, it even feels lonely. Because you look around and you think 'Where are my friends?' as you struggle through the storm...people leave...and suddenly you realize everyone was so... superficial. But, they made you feel official...made you feel special...put you on this pedestal...because all that time...you didn't accept YOU. But to them...you were their Queen. So, you didn't mind if you had a few jokers in your hand. And now? You look in the mirror finally...tethered to the woman you see. Smiling through each obstacle. Fighting....for the woman you in your dreams.
Are you ready? Because she is...and she's coming. And she's proud of you.
She says- you shall hunger no more....because I am all you need. She says-I will wipe your tears...I got you, as long as you got me.
The earthquake is here....but the ground is going to still soon.....and with stillness, will come your blessing.
Are you ready......to break free?